The Promised Land always lies on the other side of a wilderness. ~Havelock Ellis
I’ll be honest, I’ve been in a bit of a wilderness lately. This pregnancy held so much promise for me at the beginning and yet halfway through I found myself completely exhausted, feeling defeated and miserable. My body was tense with worry, my mind was weary with questions of who I was and where I belonged in this world. There’s been many nights of not only physical, but emotional pain as I wrestled with the demons of ‘not being enough’ or of ‘needing too much,’ and yet here I am. About to give birth to all that ‘is’ and was promised ‘will be’.
Here I am, letting go of the fight that required so much of me in this place and yet is no longer needed to get me to the next one.
This is where courage and surrender meet, and this is where it gets REAL…it either gets real scary or real calm, depending on how much you’ve released of yourself and your expectations along the way.
Surrender is the only way through now.
Trust is the only choice and so I enter this last phase in peace and total surrender, knowing that this will be my darkest moment as well as my greatest light. I let go of my expectations of what I thought this journey would be and simply let it teach me exactly what I’ve needed to know and lead me exactly where I’ve needed to go….
This part never gets any easier, but I am ready now. I am ready to embrace this process with all of its struggle and unknown territory so that I can be transformed and be made more fully alive by it.
And so today I will let myself fall. I allow my body to break apart, so that my spirit can experience something much greater. I push my worries aside. I let my racing thoughts rest as I enter and LET GO.
I let go now.
I let go of my logic and my lists of everything I’ve wanted to accomplish in this pregnancy and I simply let myself be loved now. Perfectly held. Divinely carried. I let go and let my body, this dream, this baby, to be carried to the other side…that side of euphoric birth and glorious power and everything that is yet to be.
Goodbye, wilderness. You were good and wild and beautiful and hard. So so hard.
I’ll see you on the other side!