The Birth of Me.

What a difference a year makes!

I’m feeling all the feels tonight as I tuck my 12 month old baby into bed and remember this night a year ago. I was so spent, I had reached the end of myself and my pregnancy and I had gone for one last waddle in the cool evening air, to process and just be alone with my baby.

I had been so depressed that pregnancy, so many heartaches and trials we had endured together and I just wanted him to know, after all, that I was going to BE HERE for him, I was going to show up for him and for us no matter what. I was ready to bring him into the world, no matter how turmoiled or dark it seemed at the time. I was ready to meet him and so I laid in the grass and prayed my last prayers and cried my last pregnancy cry, as I began to speak ‘life’ over the two of us. I told him that I was sorry for how I, as his Mother had given up on myself and I promised him that I would do better. I promised him that I would find a way that we could both live a joyous life together. I would do whatever it takes to get better. I was done living in anger and hopeless exasperation and I vowed that together, we would find a new way.

10 hours later, he came. And my life has not been the same since then. Something happened in me that night, one year ago, and it still shatters me, it still makes me weep.

Turns out the birth of my third child was in fact, the birth of ME, my true self, and who I was MADE TO BE. It was the beginning of me finally walking in the light of God’s glorious destiny for me, and for that I will always be grateful.

I will never forget that night, or that birth, or the light that came to me that morning, one year ago. His name is Finley and he will forever be my ‘why’, my new beginning.

I love you, precious one. I’m so glad you came!

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