A friend asked me the other day “what I’m dreaming about these days?” and honestly I hadn’t thought much about it recently. It’s a legit question that needs to be asked, but then I realized that somewhere in the laundry and the constant “referree-ing” of who gets the last piece of cookie, I had not actually been dreaming. Somewhere in all the feeding and changing and grabbing towels on our way to the pool, I had forgotten about ME (horrors!). And for a minute I felt deeply sad and sorry for myself, but then I remembered something.
I remembered how just a little over a year ago, I couldn’t get out of bed and I couldn’t stop crying from dehabilitating (postpartum) depression and how a year before that I had been laying sick in bed with constant nausea, headaches and jaw pain, due to severe physical and mental stress in pregnancy. I remembered how I couldn’t function to do even the most basic things that are required to run a household, much less go on a bike ride or go hiking with my kids.
I remember dreaming of the day when I could just play with my kids again. I remember crying out to God to please just help me make it to the end of my pregnancy. I’m ashamed to say I felt suicidal at times. Yep. There were times I actually wanted to die while there was a living human being inside of me.
Finally on August 28th, a few months after I had the baby, I did something I had NEVER done before and walked myself in to a medical clinic, and literally asked for drugs. I couldn’t take it anymore. I told myself that if I could just get healthy again, I would not ask for anything else ever again, i just wanted to BE A MOM to my children. I just wanted to BE THERE for their ‘owies’, their laughter and silly stories and not constantly wonder if I was going to be around for them, if I COULD BE around for them. I wanted so badly to be the one they would run to when they had something exciting or good happen and not have to hide the thoughts I had been having that day. I wanted nothing more than to just ENJOY them and my life again.
Well here I am, a year later and I’m here to tell you, I am living that dream. I am enjoying and LOVING every single second of this life again.
So when the question came, and I realized that I hadn’t actually been dreaming, but also how happy I’ve been, I could see that it’s not because I’ve been putting it off or that I’ve become complacent, but that I’ve been busy LIVING.
Because, for almost a year now I’ve gotten to do the only thing I ever wanted to do and that is to SHOW UP fully for my kids and my life and to be the best version of me that I could possibly be.
For 352 days now I’ve gotten out of bed and moved and breathed without pain and for that I am so very thankful. 352 days now I’ve stopped wishing and hoping and actually started enjoying. I’m happy to say that for 352 days now, I’ve stopped crying and dreaming and actually started LIVING THE DREAM.
For almost a year now I’ve been showing up for this life I’m in and I realized that I will never look at my life or answer that question the same way again.
And I’m ok with that.
(Photos by: Sweet Justice Photography)