It’s late, but I am just now able to catch my breath from everything that’s been happening these past few days. My kid broke her arm and just like that all of my plans for this week came screeching to a halt and instead I’ve just been rubbing her down with essential oils, putting TONS of pillows behind her so she can sleep at night and helping her figure out how to make a peanut butter n jelly sandwich with ONE arm.. 😥
It’s been a learning curve for both of us as we are thrust without warning into this season of really lonnnng days of nothingness and I’m pretty sure we did not plan for this.
Yet here we are. We find ourselves suddenly staring at the ceiling and staring at our SELVES in ways we have not done before.
And I see so much of myself here.
Fact is, God has had me in a holding pattern of sorts lately, where everything I did before or have thought of doing, I am not able to do right now. It feels like I literally can’t do what I set out to do. I can’t become or achieve ANYTHING. I can only ‘BE’. It has been a struggle to say the least, and today I heard my daughter ask the same question I’ve been asking, her restless fingers and my heart grasping for something to do.
“Will I be enough?” She asks, not with her words but with her eyes and I catch them. “Will I be enough when I can’t hold our new puppy and I can’t do the dishes for you Mama? What if the puppy won’t like me, what if I can’t do my work at school? Will I still be enough??”
I recognize the question because I have spent a lifetime trying to avoid it and yet it pops out at me wherever I go and whenever I sit still long enough to hear it. There it is in bold, enblazed letters across the canvas of my life.
AM I ENOUGH?
And the answer is yes! You are enough, my love. You are created and that is enough. You are here and that is enough. You were sent here by the Creator himself and that is enough.
So today I watched my daughter do what I did a few days ago and that is surrender. I saw her body finally relax under the weight of her sling and the straps that keep her ‘hostage’ and I, like her felt a tinge of peace/ acceptance of this situation we are in.
And while we are in this sea of unwanted nothingness, we are learning something very important. We are learning to be patient and to be with ourselves, to fully be with ourselves and our questions, because it is here that we face our fears of not doing or being enough. It is here that we stare at the cobwebs of our false identities and hunt down fears of being forgotten and that we might be damaged or undesirable in some way.
It is also here that we know and get acquainted with our desires, our REAL, deep down desires for community, of being known and of having value, regardless of what we can produce or achieve.
And it is here, where life gets eerily quiet and we can’t hustle our way to fake feelings of worthiness, that we can finally answer the question and know that yes, we are enough.
Even when our plans get changed and our bodies get broken, we are loved and we still have value, just because we ARE.
And that is enough.